James Patterson

Does he actually write any books? It's a MYSTERY!!!

Contract date: 1992

James Patterson was a successful ad man until the early nineties and even developed the slogan “I’m a Toys R Us Kid!”  After the success of his detective thriller Along Came a Spider, he quit his job to devote himself full time to his writing.  Fast forward 15 years, and according to his web site – one out of every fifteen books bought in 2007 was by James Patterson.  Read all about it here - but I warn you dear reader, this is the most nauseating bio you’ll ever read. Have a bucket nearby.

Over the years he’s taken on a virtual army of co-writers, series, genres, movies, television shows. I bet if I look hard enough I’ll find a branded cereal with some ridiculous name like James Patterson’s Mystery Os in which each piece looks and tastes exactly like the last one – thus, there being nothing mysterious about them at all. 

It’s rumored that he’s a bigger blowhard than this guy - and that’s saying something. 

Johannes says: I think the devil is going to regret this one, even though he was definitely a big “get.”  When Patterson’s time is up and he moves into hell, he’s going to be as annoying as the characters in his “books.”  Demanding.  If Satan were smart, he’d suggest another wager: Mr. Patterson can have is soul back, the day he writes a book that is actually worth reading.

Ye Olde Sales of the past: Dr. Atkins

 

 

Nope - other direction, Doctor...

Contract date: 1972

Dr. Atkins, as everyone knows, turned the conventional method of dieting on its head by bolding prescribing people eat as much fat as they want – just lay off the carbs.  Over thirty million people bought his books and products, followed the diet.  Skeptics worldwide long charged the doc that eating that much saturated fat could not be healthy and would lead to heart problems – which the doc constantly denied. 

Re-negotiated: 2002

Ruh roh.  Dr. Atkins suffers a heart attack. This renegotiation was pure damage control – and it worked.  He was at the absolute height of his fame and rolling in the carb-free, tasteless and strangely textured dough. 

But then he died in 2003 under still mysterious circumstances.     Though it was reported that he slipped on a patch of ice on the way to work resulting in a blunt trauma to the head – the county medical examiner’s office revelaed in 2004 that the doc had suffered yet another heart attack.  It was also reported that at the time of his death, he was considered clinically obese according to the Centers for Disease Control’s Body Mass Index. 

The Devil found all of this hilarious.

Johannes says: This was a very cleve r move. I give Satan an A+ on this one because he not only won the doc’s soul, but he also convinced than 30 million people to stuff their face with steak and cheese omelettes topped with melted butter thinking it was good for them.  Bravo, Satan.  My guess is that Dr. Atkins is now being sizzled like all those hunks of beef he pushed on unsuspecting fatsos worldwide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recent sales: William Morris or Endeavor?

Happy Birthday, Satan!

Contract date: still in negotiations

 This falls under the ultimate who’s conning who.  Did all parties involve sell their souls? Did one company sell to the other and then bargain as one entity with the dark overlord?  Who is presiding over the negotiations? Aren’t these people the devil’s minions already? ARGHHH!   For God’s sake (pun intended), is this a new Hell on Earth? Has Satan decided he needs a satellite office in Los Angeles? 

 Johannes says:  Ah, now this I admire.  Pure, unadulterated mass destruction.  There is only one man who could pull something like this off. And that man, is Bob Barnett

Mariah Carey

Is that a tail?

Contract date: 1993

The young ingenue with with an incredible set of pipes burst onto the scene in the early nineties and produced the most number one hits for Columbia Records in the company’s history.  Fame, fortune, international powerhouse success, yada, yada, yad…Then she married Tommy Mottolla.  Whoops.

Contract renegotiated: 1997

Carey divorces Mottola and is finally free to do what she wants.  She can finally express herself in the way that she always felt was better suited to her style and taste – finally out from under his controlling ways.  What does the emancipated Mimi do?  Glitter. Oh, and that MTV breakdown didn’t help.  Whoops again.

Contract re-renegotiated: 2005

A comeback album, a successful tour, she keeps her clothes on in public.  She gets married.   Seems the third times the charm for Mrs. Carey Cannon…or is it? To be continued.

Johannes says:  Music stars – such cliches.  This one is just plain crazy.  My guess is that she doesn’t even know she signed away her soul – the devil probably gave her a piece of purple, cotton-candy scented paper festooned with butterflies and she grew so giddy she signed the damn thing with a pink marker made of fluffy feathers. Ignorance is bliss in this case.

Jerry Springer

What did you expect? I was born in a cemetery Tube station.

Contract date: 1994

Did you know that Jerry Springer worked on RFK’s campaign?  Or that after the assasination, he joined a law firm? Did you know that he was on the city council of Cincinatti, but had to resign because he was caught with a hooker? But that they took him back two years later and even made him mayor?  Did you know that he was a news anchor for the Cincinatti NBC affiliate with is own catchphrase? Did you know that the commentaries he made on the news show lead him to get his own talk show that covered politcal events and domestic policy issues including homelessness and gun control and that Oliver North and Jesse Jackson were both guests once upon a time? 

In 1994, good old Jerry put his foot on the flusher and pushed sending all of these accomplishments swirling down the drain when he decied to re-format his show.   A hardworking man gives it all up to spend the rest of his career parading the very bottom of the barrel of human existence across the airwaves reaching on average 6.8 million viewers a day? Can you imagine a circumstance in which the devil so easily won? Oh, wait…

Johannes says: This is so beneath me I refuse to comment.

Donald Trump

The combover hides the horns

Contract date: 1989-2005

Yes, it seems sixteen years is a long time for a contract to get signed, but you see, that Donald Trump – he’s a negotiater.  The gold-plated, crystal-encrusted shit hit the fan after the last recession in the late eighties and he was forced to file for bankruptcy.  Lost some buildings. Divorced Marla Maples.  But still, he refused to sign the contract until he got his own terms.  Well, he finally did sign - but that devil knows a thing or two about blowhards…

Re-negotiated: 2008

So, new gorgeous wife, another heir named BARRON,  a bonafide hit televsion show, a bonafide annoying catchphrase, and all new buildings and casinos going up worldwide.  Seems The Donald really did make a comeback here. But this comeback was the result of the last contract, so why the new one?  Well, it seems just when he thought things were perfect, the brand new recession hits and he needs a transfusion.

In an unprecedented, cataclysmic instance of irony, Trump is forced to file bankruptcy again in 2009 for his Entertainment Resorts – but claims that the new economy should be construed as AN ACT OF GOD preventing him from paying back loans.  I can already see the devil lounging in his throne of stone, moving his right hand back and forth saying, “You’re fired.”

Johannes says: I always admire hard work. But I loathe entitlement unless it’s my own.  If only this guy weren’t such an asshole, he might have gotten off easy. But blaming God for something when you are in a contract with the devil takes stupidity to heretofore unknowable levels.  I see his eternal damnation being spent in a Holiday Inn somewhere in the wilds of Pennsyltuckey with nothing to drink but Trump Vodka-and he’s a confirmed teetotaler.

Peyton Manning

I'm only drinking this because it's green and it reminds me of money

Date of contract: My guess is at some point in 2002

Peyton Peyton. He is known for being SUCH A GOOD GUY.  Seriously.  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM.   He works hard, does well, HE’S SO NICE!!!   First round draft pick, number one pick in 1998.  Has stayed with the SAME TEAM for his entire career.  MVP awards, Superbowl ring in 2006.

But Peyton Manning – you have a $99.2 million, seven-year contract and  another $11.5 in endorsements from : Mastercard, Gatorade, ESPN, Sprint, Reebok, Direct TV and a razor company.  After the 2006 Superbowl, the world was sick of looking at you. We still sort of are.

Johannes says:  My sense is that this guy went for the magnum, solid gold contract because he not only wanted the financial rewards- he wanted the premium Perfect Image upgrade. 

The devil does not succeed in finding many people to sign contracts of this caliber because the price is steep.  I pity this one as his downfall will be rough, I presume: a massive injury that leads to early retirement that his trophy wife did not at all anticipate and now here he is in a wheelchair needing to be lifted and changed every day. This restless home-life will lead to drinking. He’ll go bald, become addicted to internet porn, his wife and children will leave him and he’ll be stuck in a house made of wheelchair ramps and filled with cases of flourescent green Gatorade, ugly high top Reeboks that he can’t even wear because he can’t walk and a freakishly tempting assortment of razors at his disposal.

I’d keep an eye on that brother of his.  The younger sibling always wants it more…

Ye Olde Sales of the Past: Amelia Earhart

I should have been more specific in my wish.

Date of contract: Sometime in 1937

Oh, Amelia. So many bestselling books, so many achievements for women, so many records broken in flight.  You were known for your wiles and daring, your competitive streak in the air and your tenacity when it came to equality for women.  You wore bloomers as a child instead of dresses, much to the chagrin of the grandmother who raised you. You were so focused on achieving your goals – aiming for the stars, determined to get what you wanted no matter the cost.  You should have been more specific.

Johannes says: This one always makes me laugh out loud.  This is a case of the devil being exceptionally bored and playing his little tricks.  She wanted to be the first woman to attempt to circumnavigate the globe.  And he did grant her the wish.  He never promised she’d actually make it…

Katie Holmes

Guess who chose this dress?

Date of contract: Early 2005

This bright young ingenue was, presumably, living the dream life of all aspiring actresses from the midwest. She played the naive tomboy Joey Potter  -unknowing cocktease extraordinaire – on the hit nineties teen soap Dawson’s Creek.   But she also managed to stay off the paparazzi radar, date a nice boy for a long time, and score some big hits movie-wise both Indie-cred (Pieces of April) and blockbuster (Batman Begins).  

But someone somewhere thought it would be a GREAT idea for her to marry Tom Cruise – a man she consistently (never deviating from script) refers to as A M A Z I N G.  One constantly wonders when she is going to short ciruit, so robotic is our fair Holmes.

Is is widely believed that she entered into a contract with Cruise – a very lucrative contract, for marriage and child.  I think she entered into a very different kind of contract…

Johannes says:  This one is hardly worth my time.  She did not enter into it out of desperation, but rather, it seems to me – for the most old-fashioned reasons in the book: money and fame.  This is a classic case of horrible self-esteem combined with ambition.  Her fear is that the world finds her boring. I know I do. Moving on.