Jerry Springer

What did you expect? I was born in a cemetery Tube station.

Contract date: 1994

Did you know that Jerry Springer worked on RFK’s campaign?  Or that after the assasination, he joined a law firm? Did you know that he was on the city council of Cincinatti, but had to resign because he was caught with a hooker? But that they took him back two years later and even made him mayor?  Did you know that he was a news anchor for the Cincinatti NBC affiliate with is own catchphrase? Did you know that the commentaries he made on the news show lead him to get his own talk show that covered politcal events and domestic policy issues including homelessness and gun control and that Oliver North and Jesse Jackson were both guests once upon a time? 

In 1994, good old Jerry put his foot on the flusher and pushed sending all of these accomplishments swirling down the drain when he decied to re-format his show.   A hardworking man gives it all up to spend the rest of his career parading the very bottom of the barrel of human existence across the airwaves reaching on average 6.8 million viewers a day? Can you imagine a circumstance in which the devil so easily won? Oh, wait…

Johannes says: This is so beneath me I refuse to comment.

Donald Trump

The combover hides the horns

Contract date: 1989-2005

Yes, it seems sixteen years is a long time for a contract to get signed, but you see, that Donald Trump – he’s a negotiater.  The gold-plated, crystal-encrusted shit hit the fan after the last recession in the late eighties and he was forced to file for bankruptcy.  Lost some buildings. Divorced Marla Maples.  But still, he refused to sign the contract until he got his own terms.  Well, he finally did sign - but that devil knows a thing or two about blowhards…

Re-negotiated: 2008

So, new gorgeous wife, another heir named BARRON,  a bonafide hit televsion show, a bonafide annoying catchphrase, and all new buildings and casinos going up worldwide.  Seems The Donald really did make a comeback here. But this comeback was the result of the last contract, so why the new one?  Well, it seems just when he thought things were perfect, the brand new recession hits and he needs a transfusion.

In an unprecedented, cataclysmic instance of irony, Trump is forced to file bankruptcy again in 2009 for his Entertainment Resorts – but claims that the new economy should be construed as AN ACT OF GOD preventing him from paying back loans.  I can already see the devil lounging in his throne of stone, moving his right hand back and forth saying, “You’re fired.”

Johannes says: I always admire hard work. But I loathe entitlement unless it’s my own.  If only this guy weren’t such an asshole, he might have gotten off easy. But blaming God for something when you are in a contract with the devil takes stupidity to heretofore unknowable levels.  I see his eternal damnation being spent in a Holiday Inn somewhere in the wilds of Pennsyltuckey with nothing to drink but Trump Vodka-and he’s a confirmed teetotaler.

Peyton Manning

I'm only drinking this because it's green and it reminds me of money

Date of contract: My guess is at some point in 2002

Peyton Peyton. He is known for being SUCH A GOOD GUY.  Seriously.  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM.   He works hard, does well, HE’S SO NICE!!!   First round draft pick, number one pick in 1998.  Has stayed with the SAME TEAM for his entire career.  MVP awards, Superbowl ring in 2006.

But Peyton Manning – you have a $99.2 million, seven-year contract and  another $11.5 in endorsements from : Mastercard, Gatorade, ESPN, Sprint, Reebok, Direct TV and a razor company.  After the 2006 Superbowl, the world was sick of looking at you. We still sort of are.

Johannes says:  My sense is that this guy went for the magnum, solid gold contract because he not only wanted the financial rewards- he wanted the premium Perfect Image upgrade. 

The devil does not succeed in finding many people to sign contracts of this caliber because the price is steep.  I pity this one as his downfall will be rough, I presume: a massive injury that leads to early retirement that his trophy wife did not at all anticipate and now here he is in a wheelchair needing to be lifted and changed every day. This restless home-life will lead to drinking. He’ll go bald, become addicted to internet porn, his wife and children will leave him and he’ll be stuck in a house made of wheelchair ramps and filled with cases of flourescent green Gatorade, ugly high top Reeboks that he can’t even wear because he can’t walk and a freakishly tempting assortment of razors at his disposal.

I’d keep an eye on that brother of his.  The younger sibling always wants it more…

Ye Olde Sales of the Past: Amelia Earhart

I should have been more specific in my wish.

Date of contract: Sometime in 1937

Oh, Amelia. So many bestselling books, so many achievements for women, so many records broken in flight.  You were known for your wiles and daring, your competitive streak in the air and your tenacity when it came to equality for women.  You wore bloomers as a child instead of dresses, much to the chagrin of the grandmother who raised you. You were so focused on achieving your goals – aiming for the stars, determined to get what you wanted no matter the cost.  You should have been more specific.

Johannes says: This one always makes me laugh out loud.  This is a case of the devil being exceptionally bored and playing his little tricks.  She wanted to be the first woman to attempt to circumnavigate the globe.  And he did grant her the wish.  He never promised she’d actually make it…

Katie Holmes

Guess who chose this dress?

Date of contract: Early 2005

This bright young ingenue was, presumably, living the dream life of all aspiring actresses from the midwest. She played the naive tomboy Joey Potter  -unknowing cocktease extraordinaire – on the hit nineties teen soap Dawson’s Creek.   But she also managed to stay off the paparazzi radar, date a nice boy for a long time, and score some big hits movie-wise both Indie-cred (Pieces of April) and blockbuster (Batman Begins).  

But someone somewhere thought it would be a GREAT idea for her to marry Tom Cruise – a man she consistently (never deviating from script) refers to as A M A Z I N G.  One constantly wonders when she is going to short ciruit, so robotic is our fair Holmes.

Is is widely believed that she entered into a contract with Cruise – a very lucrative contract, for marriage and child.  I think she entered into a very different kind of contract…

Johannes says:  This one is hardly worth my time.  She did not enter into it out of desperation, but rather, it seems to me – for the most old-fashioned reasons in the book: money and fame.  This is a classic case of horrible self-esteem combined with ambition.  Her fear is that the world finds her boring. I know I do. Moving on.