James Patterson

Does he actually write any books? It's a MYSTERY!!!

Contract date: 1992

James Patterson was a successful ad man until the early nineties and even developed the slogan “I’m a Toys R Us Kid!”  After the success of his detective thriller Along Came a Spider, he quit his job to devote himself full time to his writing.  Fast forward 15 years, and according to his web site – one out of every fifteen books bought in 2007 was by James Patterson.  Read all about it here - but I warn you dear reader, this is the most nauseating bio you’ll ever read. Have a bucket nearby.

Over the years he’s taken on a virtual army of co-writers, series, genres, movies, television shows. I bet if I look hard enough I’ll find a branded cereal with some ridiculous name like James Patterson’s Mystery Os in which each piece looks and tastes exactly like the last one – thus, there being nothing mysterious about them at all. 

It’s rumored that he’s a bigger blowhard than this guy - and that’s saying something. 

Johannes says: I think the devil is going to regret this one, even though he was definitely a big “get.”  When Patterson’s time is up and he moves into hell, he’s going to be as annoying as the characters in his “books.”  Demanding.  If Satan were smart, he’d suggest another wager: Mr. Patterson can have is soul back, the day he writes a book that is actually worth reading.

Ye Olde Sales of the past: Dr. Atkins

 

 

Nope - other direction, Doctor...

Contract date: 1972

Dr. Atkins, as everyone knows, turned the conventional method of dieting on its head by bolding prescribing people eat as much fat as they want – just lay off the carbs.  Over thirty million people bought his books and products, followed the diet.  Skeptics worldwide long charged the doc that eating that much saturated fat could not be healthy and would lead to heart problems – which the doc constantly denied. 

Re-negotiated: 2002

Ruh roh.  Dr. Atkins suffers a heart attack. This renegotiation was pure damage control – and it worked.  He was at the absolute height of his fame and rolling in the carb-free, tasteless and strangely textured dough. 

But then he died in 2003 under still mysterious circumstances.     Though it was reported that he slipped on a patch of ice on the way to work resulting in a blunt trauma to the head – the county medical examiner’s office revelaed in 2004 that the doc had suffered yet another heart attack.  It was also reported that at the time of his death, he was considered clinically obese according to the Centers for Disease Control’s Body Mass Index. 

The Devil found all of this hilarious.

Johannes says: This was a very cleve r move. I give Satan an A+ on this one because he not only won the doc’s soul, but he also convinced than 30 million people to stuff their face with steak and cheese omelettes topped with melted butter thinking it was good for them.  Bravo, Satan.  My guess is that Dr. Atkins is now being sizzled like all those hunks of beef he pushed on unsuspecting fatsos worldwide.