Anna Wintour

"What? Oh, nothing. Just hanging out with all of my friends."

 

Contract date: Who the hell knows

This one hardly needs any explanation, although she’s pissed off the devil so many times that he’s just waiting, sharpening his claws.  First of all, he does NOT wear Prada.  I mean, really – all those ugly prints? And the shoes with the “weird for weird’s sake” heels?  And the pretension of those space age stores with skate board ramp type floors and salespeople who look like they are about to drop dead at any minute? And don’t even get him started on their 2007 handbag line…

Johannes says:  I believe that underneath that frosty exterior is a warm-hearted woman whose heart bleeds for animals, for young women with body issues and for those who make less than five million a year. I believe that she’s really, truly concerned about ….snnooooooooooooorrrt. Sorry. Couldn’t do it with straight face anymore.  She’s screwed.

Tucker Max

They don't.

 

Date of Contract: 2006

Tucker Max and his dirty, lousy, utterly gratifying book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell has become one of the first  publicly acknowledged contracts with the devil.  He will always be remembered as the brave one to first come out.  Hopefully, others will follow.  Like this guy.  Progress, people! It’s inevitable. Embrace your fate!

Johannes says: I love this guy, but it’s just too easy. He already knows where he’s going – he’s just going to have a great time before he gets there.  It takes some of the fun out of it, and I don’t envy the devil in devising his punishment – the paradox of choice here is astounding.  Does he go into the womanizing pits of hell with all the politicians?  Does he go into the addict’s special section wherein every conceivable form of abusable substance is placed just out of reach?  Make him a eunuch? Throw him in with the date rapers?  The drunk drivers? The Jack Nicholson wannabes? The fallen frat boys? AGHHH.  I”m glad I”m not making that decision.

Kathy Griffin

"So, have you heard the on about the comic who completely sold out?"

 

Contract date: 1996

Kathy Griffin was a working comedienne and actress – making her way through the stand-up circuit when she landed a role on a Brooke Shields sitcom entitled Suddenly Susan. Kathy played the tacky, spitfire sidekick.  That was all well and good.  But in 1996, she got a bit role on an episode of Seinfeld entitled The Doll in which her character, also a comedienne, developes a huge following when she uses her entire act to mock Jerry Seinfeld.  The popularity of this episode lead to her breakout hit on Bravo, My Life on the D-List as well as a hugely successful series of televised stand-up shows and cross-country tours based on the premise of mocking other celebrities and bemoaning her low rung on the Hollywood totem pole. In her act, she calls out quasi-celebrities for their bad behavior, diva-like qualities, bad plastic surgery, awful behavior in public.

What happens? Stop me if you’ve heard this one…

Her popularity spikes, she gets tons of plastic surgery, her show has huge ratings, she becomes entitled, she belittles her assistant who quits the show, she starts walking around in public wearing nothing but a bikini and WHIZ BANG – she is now sitting pretty on the C-B list.

Johannes says: I have no time for pop culture nor the hellish morasse that is considered Hollywood, but I have to admit – I just love her.  She knows what she’s doing, she knows where she’s going when it all comes to a screeching halt. In fact, she’ll probably bring her act on the highway to hell when the time comes.  Her punishment however, will be pretty brutal.  Night after night on the circuit in murderously hot clubs filled with those same soulless celebrities she pummelled on her way to the top.  Only this time, they’ll pummel right back and Ms. Griffin seems the type that can dish it out, but won’t be able to take it.

James Patterson

Does he actually write any books? It's a MYSTERY!!!

Contract date: 1992

James Patterson was a successful ad man until the early nineties and even developed the slogan “I’m a Toys R Us Kid!”  After the success of his detective thriller Along Came a Spider, he quit his job to devote himself full time to his writing.  Fast forward 15 years, and according to his web site – one out of every fifteen books bought in 2007 was by James Patterson.  Read all about it here – but I warn you dear reader, this is the most nauseating bio you’ll ever read. Have a bucket nearby.

Over the years he’s taken on a virtual army of co-writers, series, genres, movies, television shows. I bet if I look hard enough I’ll find a branded cereal with some ridiculous name like James Patterson’s Mystery Os in which each piece looks and tastes exactly like the last one – thus, there being nothing mysterious about them at all. 

It’s rumored that he’s a bigger blowhard than this guy – and that’s saying something. 

Johannes says: I think the devil is going to regret this one, even though he was definitely a big “get.”  When Patterson’s time is up and he moves into hell, he’s going to be as annoying as the characters in his “books.”  Demanding.  If Satan were smart, he’d suggest another wager: Mr. Patterson can have is soul back, the day he writes a book that is actually worth reading.

Ye Olde Sales of the past: Dr. Atkins

 

 

Nope - other direction, Doctor...

Contract date: 1972

Dr. Atkins, as everyone knows, turned the conventional method of dieting on its head by bolding prescribing people eat as much fat as they want – just lay off the carbs.  Over thirty million people bought his books and products, followed the diet.  Skeptics worldwide long charged the doc that eating that much saturated fat could not be healthy and would lead to heart problems – which the doc constantly denied. 

Re-negotiated: 2002

Ruh roh.  Dr. Atkins suffers a heart attack. This renegotiation was pure damage control – and it worked.  He was at the absolute height of his fame and rolling in the carb-free, tasteless and strangely textured dough. 

But then he died in 2003 under still mysterious circumstances.     Though it was reported that he slipped on a patch of ice on the way to work resulting in a blunt trauma to the head – the county medical examiner’s office revelaed in 2004 that the doc had suffered yet another heart attack.  It was also reported that at the time of his death, he was considered clinically obese according to the Centers for Disease Control’s Body Mass Index. 

The Devil found all of this hilarious.

Johannes says: This was a very cleve r move. I give Satan an A+ on this one because he not only won the doc’s soul, but he also convinced than 30 million people to stuff their face with steak and cheese omelettes topped with melted butter thinking it was good for them.  Bravo, Satan.  My guess is that Dr. Atkins is now being sizzled like all those hunks of beef he pushed on unsuspecting fatsos worldwide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recent sales: William Morris or Endeavor?

Happy Birthday, Satan!

Contract date: still in negotiations

 This falls under the ultimate who’s conning who.  Did all parties involve sell their souls? Did one company sell to the other and then bargain as one entity with the dark overlord?  Who is presiding over the negotiations? Aren’t these people the devil’s minions already? ARGHHH!   For God’s sake (pun intended), is this a new Hell on Earth? Has Satan decided he needs a satellite office in Los Angeles? 

 Johannes says:  Ah, now this I admire.  Pure, unadulterated mass destruction.  There is only one man who could pull something like this off. And that man, is Bob Barnett

Mariah Carey

Is that a tail?

Contract date: 1993

The young ingenue with with an incredible set of pipes burst onto the scene in the early nineties and produced the most number one hits for Columbia Records in the company’s history.  Fame, fortune, international powerhouse success, yada, yada, yad…Then she married Tommy Mottolla.  Whoops.

Contract renegotiated: 1997

Carey divorces Mottola and is finally free to do what she wants.  She can finally express herself in the way that she always felt was better suited to her style and taste – finally out from under his controlling ways.  What does the emancipated Mimi do?  Glitter. Oh, and that MTV breakdown didn’t help.  Whoops again.

Contract re-renegotiated: 2005

A comeback album, a successful tour, she keeps her clothes on in public.  She gets married.   Seems the third times the charm for Mrs. Carey Cannon…or is it? To be continued.

Johannes says:  Music stars – such cliches.  This one is just plain crazy.  My guess is that she doesn’t even know she signed away her soul – the devil probably gave her a piece of purple, cotton-candy scented paper festooned with butterflies and she grew so giddy she signed the damn thing with a pink marker made of fluffy feathers. Ignorance is bliss in this case.

Jerry Springer

What did you expect? I was born in a cemetery Tube station.

Contract date: 1994

Did you know that Jerry Springer worked on RFK’s campaign?  Or that after the assasination, he joined a law firm? Did you know that he was on the city council of Cincinatti, but had to resign because he was caught with a hooker? But that they took him back two years later and even made him mayor?  Did you know that he was a news anchor for the Cincinatti NBC affiliate with is own catchphrase? Did you know that the commentaries he made on the news show lead him to get his own talk show that covered politcal events and domestic policy issues including homelessness and gun control and that Oliver North and Jesse Jackson were both guests once upon a time? 

In 1994, good old Jerry put his foot on the flusher and pushed sending all of these accomplishments swirling down the drain when he decied to re-format his show.   A hardworking man gives it all up to spend the rest of his career parading the very bottom of the barrel of human existence across the airwaves reaching on average 6.8 million viewers a day? Can you imagine a circumstance in which the devil so easily won? Oh, wait…

Johannes says: This is so beneath me I refuse to comment.

Donald Trump

The combover hides the horns

Contract date: 1989-2005

Yes, it seems sixteen years is a long time for a contract to get signed, but you see, that Donald Trump – he’s a negotiater.  The gold-plated, crystal-encrusted shit hit the fan after the last recession in the late eighties and he was forced to file for bankruptcy.  Lost some buildings. Divorced Marla Maples.  But still, he refused to sign the contract until he got his own terms.  Well, he finally did sign – but that devil knows a thing or two about blowhards…

Re-negotiated: 2008

So, new gorgeous wife, another heir named BARRON,  a bonafide hit televsion show, a bonafide annoying catchphrase, and all new buildings and casinos going up worldwide.  Seems The Donald really did make a comeback here. But this comeback was the result of the last contract, so why the new one?  Well, it seems just when he thought things were perfect, the brand new recession hits and he needs a transfusion.

In an unprecedented, cataclysmic instance of irony, Trump is forced to file bankruptcy again in 2009 for his Entertainment Resorts — but claims that the new economy should be construed as AN ACT OF GOD preventing him from paying back loans.  I can already see the devil lounging in his throne of stone, moving his right hand back and forth saying, “You’re fired.”

Johannes says: I always admire hard work. But I loathe entitlement unless it’s my own.  If only this guy weren’t such an asshole, he might have gotten off easy. But blaming God for something when you are in a contract with the devil takes stupidity to heretofore unknowable levels.  I see his eternal damnation being spent in a Holiday Inn somewhere in the wilds of Pennsyltuckey with nothing to drink but Trump Vodka-and he’s a confirmed teetotaler.

Peyton Manning

I'm only drinking this because it's green and it reminds me of money

Date of contract: My guess is at some point in 2002

Peyton Peyton. He is known for being SUCH A GOOD GUY.  Seriously.  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM.   He works hard, does well, HE’S SO NICE!!!   First round draft pick, number one pick in 1998.  Has stayed with the SAME TEAM for his entire career.  MVP awards, Superbowl ring in 2006.

But Peyton Manning – you have a $99.2 million, seven-year contract and  another $11.5 in endorsements from : Mastercard, Gatorade, ESPN, Sprint, Reebok, Direct TV and a razor company.  After the 2006 Superbowl, the world was sick of looking at you. We still sort of are.

Johannes says:  My sense is that this guy went for the magnum, solid gold contract because he not only wanted the financial rewards- he wanted the premium Perfect Image upgrade. 

The devil does not succeed in finding many people to sign contracts of this caliber because the price is steep.  I pity this one as his downfall will be rough, I presume: a massive injury that leads to early retirement that his trophy wife did not at all anticipate and now here he is in a wheelchair needing to be lifted and changed every day. This restless home-life will lead to drinking. He’ll go bald, become addicted to internet porn, his wife and children will leave him and he’ll be stuck in a house made of wheelchair ramps and filled with cases of flourescent green Gatorade, ugly high top Reeboks that he can’t even wear because he can’t walk and a freakishly tempting assortment of razors at his disposal.

I’d keep an eye on that brother of his.  The younger sibling always wants it more…